Folks, you’ll have to forgive Imelda for not posting the follow up to my ‘Crackin’ a Spat’. Early this morning child protection services raided a number of my ‘factories’, conveniently dotted throughout 3rd World Asia and Africa…*rolls eyes* Don’t worry, production of Nike and Burberry haven’t been disrupted and posts will resume tomorrow. In the meantime, if anyone now’s were Imelda can get her talons on a source of ‘cheap-labour’ pronto…call me on the cell!
I don’t know about you but I’ve found it increasing difficult to ship protected hardwood out of Brazilian rain forests. It’s not like the olden days when I could waltz into the Amazon, find the oldest tree, pull Julia (my trusty chainsaw as in Julia Roberts…all teeth) out of my Birkin and bag myself a new sideboard.
Now it’s all permits, tree doctors and consulting the natives…I mean really, I’m on the clock here! Then I read about ‘Gunns’, the Tasmanian company responsible for logging the Apple Isle’s old wood forests and cleverly using their financial clout to lord over and control the State government! HELLO! I think my prayers have been answered.
I contacted Robin Gray who as Premier of Tasmania attempted to damn the Franklin River and was now one of the longest serving members of ‘Gunns’ Board of Directors (I know…what are the odds). Explaining that currently I had a dining table that seated 30, but with winter around the corner, I planned to do more entertaining in the home and I needed to upgrade to a 50 seater.
Anyone’s who’s planned a State dinner party knows that shoving Idi Amin next to Salman Rushdie…isn’t such a good idea. He replied ‘it won’t be a problem’, so I packed ‘Julia’, grabbed the chinchilla and headed south.
Deep inside the forest it was ‘love at first sight’, eight metres tall and around 400 years old, I knew I’d be severing foie grai from this beaut before the end of Autumn.
Eagerly I slipped Julia out my purse but before I could pull the cord Robin stopped me “Imelda, where are your protective spats?” “What?” I replied. “Your spats, to protect your legs and ankles. Imelda, Gunns might be a corporate bully that has cleverly manipulated the environmental debate to benefit our shareholders but we still enforce stringent Occ Health & Safety guidelines”. WTF! Looking down at my new Givenchy wedges I realised ‘not tonight Josephine’.
I returned home determined to locate a pair of spats. This being the 21st century, spats are only worn by low rent gangsters or The Hives (for the sake of continuity, this story happened before I met Nina at RAFW).
The origin of the spat is unknown (I’m old, just not that old) but the modern day spat is a variation on the shin protector worn my Roman soldiers.
What is known is that during the 19th and 20th century military officers, equestrian riders and the clergy wore the spat. There are two types; the type that covered the laces of your shoes (spat) and the type that covered both the shoe and your leg and looked like a legging (gaiters)! If I was going to dine in style this winter Imelda needed ‘gaiters’ spats!
Spats became part of popular culture in the early part of the 20th century when well bred, moneyed men took their sartorial cues from returned servicemen and incorporated the white spat (used for formal military occasions) into their black tie uniform. The spat quickly caught the attention of the middle class and most men could be seen sporting a black or tan cotton spat during the day.
The spat was adopted into women’s fashion, prompting one Journalist to write in the New York Times April 6, 1915;
‘Acute observers of the throngs on parade on Easter Day noted the feet of the women were as showy as their heads, their detachable shoe tops rivalling the new Spring hats in variety and queerness. The universal spat lent a new aspect to the sartorial spectacle.’
The writer goes on the deride the spat / gaiter as ‘a cheap substitute for a commodious pair of high boots, which saves the economical wearer the trouble of changing his footgear when he goes indoors’…ouch!
He goes on ‘the gay ones are worn by the ornamental sex merely for fashion’s sake’ I’ll leave that for you to comment on!
The spat was then immortalised in the classic 1929 jazz standard "Puttin' On the Ritz" by Irving Berlin and featured a lyric describing the wealthy men of New York City: "High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars...".
OK! yes this has been interesting, but none of this helps with my seating problem, does it? Tomorrow I’ll reveal ALL the spats I’ve uncovered and you’ll discover if Imelda got her 50 seat dining table.
Not so long ago Imelda was trotting through her Tuscan vineyard, enjoying my life of impossible wealth, when a young man who was also enjoying my vineyard startled me.
Naturally I need no introduction so he politely introduced himself as Jerome C. Rousseau ‘up and coming shoe designer’. Before I could use my taser and charge him with trespassing I was struck by a thundering dizzy spell (before you ask, NO I only had 2 bloody Mary’s with breakfast). Stumbling around like Ray Charles after a hit of heroin, my vision started to blur. It’s The Almighty I thought, he’s finally calling me home…but I wasn’t ready to meet my maker; I was wearing last season’s shoes!
As my vision sharpened, colours started coming into focus. I could see gold and red and royal blue. Then came shape…it was a pump and I was having a stroke!!! “Sweet baby Jesus” I sung out “my heart’s about to explode”, no wait; yup it was definitely a pump!
As weak as a kitten, I asked Jerome to escort me back to the villa and mix me something strong! I knocked back two Fluffy Ducks in quick succession and broke open my emergency stash of Quaaludes. Feeling lucid, I started to explain what I’d seen when Jerome interrupted me (not such a smart move after two Fluffy Ducks and a handful of ‘ludes). “Imelda the shoe you’re describing is mine, it’s from my AW08/09 collection, and it’s called Dragon”. “What?” I said, somewhat confused “I thought the Virgin Mother was reaching out and telling me she’s sick of wearing gladiators! Now you’re telling me I’m on Fashion TV?”
I batted my eyelashes coquettishly and we laughed! In the past I’ve been struck by these visions (like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the reining despotic Queen of Shoes has special powers) but not since I plucked a young Jimmy Choo from the obscurity of the Third World and shipped him off to London’s Cordwainers College to study shoes.
I always seek the vision, never has the vision come to me…hey, it’s the digital age and things change!
Jerome explained that he was in Tuscany working on his SS09 collection when he decided to look for inspiration. “What! You weren’t stalking me?” I asked “No” he replied. What does a despot have to do to find a stalker these days? “All my shoes are made by a Tuscan factory, would you like a sneak peek? My Vespa is parked outside”.
I studied his baby face and concluded he wouldn’t ‘try-it-on’ so I hostered up my skirt and screamed out ‘La Dolce Vita’.
Inside the factory, Jerome explained that for the past 10 years he’s worked alongside Matthew Williamson, Isabella Fiore, John Richmond and John Promostyl and that he too has studied at Cordwainers College.
I asked “why shoes?” to which he replied “I started drawing shoes as a teenager after watching a Deee-Lite video clip (who could forget Lady Miss Kier’s wicked platforms). I was influenced by her unique styling, but it was the overstated retro footwear that first caught my attention”. I guess there wasn’t a lot to do growing up in Quebec!
“This season I was influenced by the Suprematist work of Russian artist Kazimir Malevich”. Whilst Malevich’s work is highly controversial in his home land the geometric silhouettes and strong colour palettes have been highly influential in the West. “I was also influenced by the dangerous and glamorous mood of the pulpy 1978 film ‘The Eyes of Laura Mars’.
The work of Malevich is evident in Jerome’s use of colour (Shoe of the Week) while the ‘Mars’ reference is slightly more difficult to pin point because it’s more about the luxurious fabrications he’s used to evoke a set design reference (Laura’s plush art deco apartment).
I was immediately impressed be the delicate ruching along the throat-line of the almond toe pumps. He’s cleverly cut-away and rouched the shaft of the boot, thus exposing an oft forgotten erogenous zone - the back of the ankle.
I was thankful that I hadn’t tasered him and made a citizens arrest because Imelda’s ‘visions’ are never wrong. ‘The Eyes of Imelda Marcos’ are on Jerome C. Rousseau and so too should yours!
Bad Imelda! Last weeks poll has been stinking up the joint longer than Rocky Dennis’s face. I must apologize because 90.8% of you made it clear that those poolside Prada’s slaps should be drowned. Thanks to everyone for voting xxx
This week we have a snap poll (not unlike the poll Ferdinand called that lead to our untimely demise) that will run until Sunday – then it’s back into the swing.
NO! I’m not relaxing my policy on flatties and I don’t expecting any special treatment. All I ask is that you consider a) they’re Jazz shoes from Rupert Sanderson and b) they’re called ‘Joyce’…I think you know what do!
That's it folks! Here is Imelda's week that was...The Good, The Bad and The Gruesome!
I'm bound to have forgotten sumet, like, where-did-I-mislay-my-dignity on Friday night? If I stumble across it I'll post an update...enjoy!
THE GOOD
All of these brands ‘killed it’ when it came to shoes:
Material Boy
Ginger and Smart
Illionaire
Jessie Hill
Easton Pearson
SHOW OF THE WEEK
Romance Was Born
STYLING OF THE WEEK
Easton Pearson
IMELDETTE OF THE WEEK
Pauly from Romance Was Born. Handmade shoes will always lift my skirt and when there are 20 of them…pass the smelling salts to Aunt Pittypat!
INTERNET KILLED THE PRINT STAR!
Hopefully not to the stunning and uber intelligent Marian Simms, Editor-in-Chief and Publisher of KAREN magazine. It was such a pleasure to bond over a shared love of By Terry and all things Mecca Cosmetica.
You all know how much I enjoy a ‘sneaky’, so when Marian handed over (the yet to be released) Issue 6 of Karen I filled my Depends with excitement! So now I share the ‘sneaky’ with chu…enjoy!
Here are all the digital stars of fashion week (surprisingly BB was unavailable for this photocall…pantaloon emergency). We bonded, battled for the best coverage and most importantly we made fashion bloggers a force to be reckoned with…ta for Imelda. Technically, Marian is print media but she’s da bomb and who’s brave enough to dance with the devil?
Imelda (who needs to work on his model face or have the poker remove from his butt), Sonny Vandevelde most brilliant photographer, Marian Simms (who despite what it looks like, is not a 'wee person) of KAREN magazine, Mel Hicks of the Vine, Larissa Hazel from Fashion Creative and the Chic Report and Patty 'patchwork' Huntington.
ACCESSORY OF THE WEEK
The girls from TV made Imelda salivate faster than Pavlov’s Dog with the ‘Bin liner Bag’ bag. Ironic, quirky, a little bit Jennie Little but down right covetous!
WALKER OF THE WEEK
Sharan’s soulful chocolate eyes hexed Imelda (and the rest of Sydney) from the moment she trotted down the catwalk. Former despots are meant to be immune to modelmania but like Dolly Parton “baby I’m burning out of control, hot as pistol with flaming desire” Not only was she my ‘Walker of the Week’ she has become Imelda’s hot diggity obsession…Aygness you have just been put on notice!
The girls from RPR Hair Care and the super gorgeous Emma and Rob from BE GORGEOUS who kept Imelda out way past her bed time on the turps! xxxx
FILIPINOS DO IT BETTER!
Bryanboy - for all his posturing and camp jumpsuits, he did bring some long overdue attention to world of fashion blogging, and more importantly, Australian bloggers.
The last time Imelda played ‘Catwalk’ I walked through a sheet of glass (it was 3am) so I value a ‘walker’ who knows her stuff! But on more than one occasion this ‘walker’ riled me up so much I was ready to strap on my stitt’s and bowl her off the catwalk. I will concede by the end of the week she’d corrected her ‘leading from the knees’ walk but the damage was done!
BARE FOOT AND PREGNANT
Even then I expect you’d wear a respectable 4 inches!
Do not offend my despotic eyes by sending models down the catwalk without shoes. If you want to make a statement then have your PR write one and fax it through! Nothing errks the despotic Queen of Shoes more than a parade without shoes, NOTHING! I don’t care if you use shoes from Williams the effing Shoeman! Now that’s a statement!
Not only is it an affront to me, it’s model abuse! Please don’t make me taddle like Cindy Brady because I will call Miss Tyra and then it’s your problem to deal with!
THE GRUESOME
My Fashion Week bubble wasn’t too punctured with the gruesome, but when they came they were whoppers!
Lining up for the TV show I could hear a commotion coming up the rear. Spinning around fast enough to induce whiplash I was smacked in the chops by a wall of unrecognisable faces - hmmm I thinks to myself, who’s trying to hustle in before the despotic Queen of Shoes?
Then the lead parrot opens her beak and starts squawking like it was the second coming of the messiah “step aside, step aside! Vogue and David Jones coming through, step aside, step aside!” WTF! Like a pack of starved rats the Voguette’s and the people from David Jones scurried in to assume their seats. HELLO! This wasn’t a Jet Star flight it was allocated seating! I doubt that anyone would dare perch themselves on Kirsty Clements prized seat!
Despite my penchant for despotic behaviour, lady you’re lucky Imelda didn’t have her cattle prod handy!
NOT ON A TUESDAY NIGHT!
This was so gruesome it requires footage. Sometimes even the ‘mouthy’ despotic Queen of Shoes is silenced by something that redefines ugly (and you know how much Imelda loves her ugly). Behold the excruciating Jonathan Pease from ANTM ‘interviewing’ front row ‘celebrities’ before the Ruth Tarvydas parade - and they say a cold sore has more presence…pah hogwash!
Feeling empty and exhausted after a week of non-stop fashion I’ve just checked my dance card and discovered that Kym Ellery of Ellery has booked Imelda in for one last spin around the room.
Before I hang-up my Nicholas Kirkwood set back platforms and spill on the week that was, I must hold off because the talented Ms Ellery has promised Imelda that she has ‘The Shoe’. Whilst I squeeze back into my petty pants and panty girdle and hot-tong my hair I’d like to introduce a couple of friends.
First up is ‘The Seeker’. Apart from her brilliant ability to work colour ‘The Seeker’ has the fiercest modelling poses Imelda has EVER seen! She’s so fierce Ms J would run for cover. The girls at fashion week should take notice because this is how you model!!!! Viva La Seeker
If I had a minge to bump then I’d bump it with Becky! Why? Coz in addition to her hysterically funny and camp blog girlfriend also likes vblog! Check out Becky’s first vblog and tell me this ain’t prime time material!
Damn Logies! Damn Kate Ritchie for taking out the Gold!
It’s not that Imelda didn’t want Kate to win (HELLO! Chris Liley Imelda can shift the bedpan) but I didn’t want to relive the grief of losing Kate all over again. I’d thought we’d put this to bed (or to where ever Scott and Charlene live)…but here I am at midnight howling into my box of wine obsessively re-watching ‘tribute clips’ on youtube!
The truth is if you're Imelda’s age then there’s a little of Kate/Sally in all of us!
Congratulations Kate, but don’t let this be the end…we’ve shared too much!
“Namaste!”…meaning, “I salute the divine qualities in you” was the theme of the RWB collection SS08/9 collection. So to Luke and Anna of Romance Was Born Imelda says “Namaste!”
Last year Fashion Week was such a deary non-event that Imelda took herself to Mission Beach to celebrate my BFF, Michelle’s birthday. IMG and Australian fashion faced a humiliating defeat, Buyer’s and International media embarrassingly pulled up stumps early. When all seemed lost, in blew Romance was Born at the 11th hour to deliver the kind of knockout punch that has made John Galliano Regina Supreme.
When word started leaking of the scale of this year’s extravaganza (40 plus models, off-site at the Conservatorium of Music) fashionista’s frantically shifted into 6th gear. Why wouldn’t they, Luke and Anna are the FUTURE OF AUSTRALIAN FASHION…exclamation mark.
Whilst Imelda had prime seating I didn’t factor in the colossal size of the Conservatorium vs. my little (now broken) Canon IXUS 70 – hence the delay in the post.
Much like couture shows the RWB parade was a ‘you-had-to-be-there’ moment. Luke and Anna look the audience trekking to remote parts of the world via a clash of tartans, tie-dyed psychedelic fabrics, tribal influences, novelle monochromatic Aztec prints, layered and voluminous skirts and dresses, beading and ruffles.
Signature pom-pom’s, fringing, tassels and rope leg lacing featured heavily on the custom made wedges. I’m still awed by the handmade Navaho moccasins worn by the male models.
Romance was Born is not for the feint-hearted, it’s fashion for brave pioneers who can follow the duo’s narrative and look beyond the theatrics to find that single piece of clothing that will shepard you on your journey of self discovery to the New World.
Is in reference to Imelda’s post Fashion Week horror, not Patty ‘patchwork’ Huntington! A diet of Tic-Tacs and cocktails tends to blur one’s judgement (but I now know how Nancy Regan maintains her size zero) and Friday night I accidentally hit the self-destruct button!
Laptop – LOST, wallet – LOST, mobile – LOST, camera – broken!
Rosary beads in hand I threw myself at the mercy of the Lord Almighty and begged forgiveness for a lifetime of ‘alleged’ despotism. Imelda’s prayers were answered when laptop, wallet and mobile all made their way back to me last night…phew! I’ve learnt a valuable lesson…Imelda should have dieted on Mentos not Tic-Tacs – they’re more filling!
Here’s Imelda and Patty post Akira and pre hot trannie mess! Eye spy with my despotic eye a vintage square Prada boot. Aside from being Australia’s most feared fashion journalist (and a dead ringer for Jennifer Connelly) Patty Huntington appears to be an avid reader of Imelda because she was the only person I spotted this week in a square toe (making her the final Imeldette of the Day)…as I’ve said, the square is the HOTTEST toe shape for AW 08/09!
As soon as the first model snuggled up to Imelda in deconstructed soldier of Troy sandals I knew my skirt and I would soon be parting company. Sure enough, when my peepers spotted the leather boots with rouched panelling (think late 90's Helmut Lang) off it blew!!! I must give praise to The Baby Jesus in his Christmas crib that Imelda's thighs have grown into her panty girdle because one skirt-lifter quickly followed another.
Material Boy has designed a covetous collection of men's footwear, with influences drawn from late 90's minimalism. His colour palette of black and white and simple sportive styling with padded collars, open quarters, single eyelets and vinylite (yes, questionable for odour in warmer climates) are reminiscent of Demeulemeester. Indie boys can exhale as it wasn't all late 90's madness! Simple black patent lace-ups (plastic socks are optional) should be coming to an Oxford Art Factory near you!
