IMELDA – OLDER, ACTIVE & STILL ANGRY AT 80

Imelda’s 80^th birthday celebrations were marred by a renewed campaign of baseless recriminations and speculation.

Yesterday, as I distributed rice to those I made poor, the Associated Press were spreading vicious rumours that I was on the verge of becoming a tin shed tyrant.

“Imelda nearly broke on her 80th birthday,” screamed the Gulf Times.

WTF! Those AP bitches have been all up in ma grills for years with their poisonous mendacities and gutter journalism. The Times reported ‘Imelda, her hair coifed and cheeks rouged, teared up as she complained she had to withdraw money from her husband's meager war pension to post bail so she could travel to Singapore earlier this month for an eye checkup paid for by her children’.

Heres what I think of the AP

For the record, I was in Singapore to have my eyes DID not ‘checked’ and all ma ladies (who’ve had eye jobs) know it takes a good two months before your tear ducts stop the involuntary weeping. As for raiding Ferdi’s (may he RIP) war pension account…how would it look if I paid for my own cosmetic augmentations.

The irony is that, aside from my reoccurring appearances as a special guest before the Presidential Commission for Good Governance, I’ve been keeping my affairs on the down and low. Even the guest list for my party was low key, immediate family, a few friends and the AP, ABC, NBC, FOX, CNN, Perez Hilton and Liz Smith.

Despite yesterday being a celebration of iMElda, I was strong armed into forgiving my dying nemesis Corazon C. Aquino.

In a classic text book Bette Davis move, Corazon rolled out her 12 month long ‘private’ battle with cancer to upstage the Despotic Queen. Seriously…wasn’t Imelda already stripped of her dignity after Aquino railroaded us from power while wearing yellow flats? 

Apparently I haven’t suffered enough for the sins of my husband because with the media on my tail, Aquino admitted herself to hospital…on ma birthday…and then like a swift kick to the touchstone of tyranny, she had the chutzpah to issue a press release. Pah, and they call me wiley. But I’m nothing if not benevolent and I had Yum Yum send her a lovely get-well bouquet of Bleeding Hearts.

The day wasn’t a total haute mess, slipping into my best terno and supported by loved ones, cronies and ego stroking hangers-on we partied like we were living under martial law.

Not all of Imelda’s friends were was able to attend, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is understandably pre occupied but he did tweet me his well wishes. Radovan Karadzic is tied up in The Hague. Putin and I had a falling out after I suggested his alpha male behavior was masking deep seeded homosexuality and Mugabe’s place in D8 (Despotic 8) is under review after conceding to a power sharing agreement with the Movement for Democratic Change.

So it was left to my old friend and fellow Asian tyrant, Kim Jong il to mark the Despotic Queen’s 80^th birthday in style. At the stroke of midnight Kim ordered the North Korean army to launch 8 short-range missiles into the East Sea (off Japan), one missile to celebrate each decade of my life. Unfortunately, Kim is still walking in the shadow of his father and four of the eight misfired and struck the U.N’s World Food Program depositories. Calling to apologise, Kim has assured me that the depositories were empty at the time, as his soldiers had traded the US supplied food for yellow cake. Ah…boys and their toys!

I would have been happy for the day to end with an International incident but it was a call from ‘The Beloved’ aka Nicholas Kirkwood that bought Imelda the most birthday cheer.

Phoning me from Italy where he is juggling his multiple creative directorships and collaborations, the Beloved had me cooing and giggling like an annoying love struck 80 year-old. Promising to do bad things with my bunions I almost passed out with excitement. “I have to go. It looks like Nancy Reagan and her new face are trying to crash my party. Call me tomorrow?” I said hopefully. 

“Check your inbox” he said, his voice dripping with double entendre, “I’ve left you a WORLD EXCLUSIVE deposit”.

SMELLING.SALTS.NOW.

Sure enough my inbox was throbbing with the Beloved’s deposit.

“Before your despotic eyes I lay down my A/W 09/10 collection. I hope you like what you see” his email read. (For reason's the Despotic Queen won't bore you with, Kirkwood's A/W 09/10 has been under a media embargo. Apart from the images made available to style.com the full collection has never been seen...that is until NOW.)

“I dooooo” I screamed into the open air “I doooo”.

Comments

[Vintage Verve]

I knew it was all lies darling, but I just thought you should know what the jackals were saying...

I was almost totally distracted by the giant bosom ("Evony - Play now my lord" - WTF??) in the ad alongside Her Regalness Mrs Marcos, but was drawn back by THOSE FABULOUS SHOES OMG GET THE SMELLING SALTS INDEED!!

Ok. Calm now. Thanks again.

[Alicia - Sea Of Ghosts]

Absolute
Genius

[Celia M.]

This man is a genius. Some day you should ask him about the fabulous italian leathers he uses, please.

[K-Line]

Oh, you are hilarious. I am snorting coffee here. And those shoes with the silver and cow hide. Unbelievable.

[Prêt-à-Porter P]

the 2nd and the 9th! wow!! the 2nd one doesnt even LOOK like a shoe!

you are too funny!! i love the way you write.

[Megan Aney]

just fell in love 30 times.

[nuvonova]

Holy moly those shoes are SLICK!

[Cassiopeia]

THOSE BOOTS ARE KILLING ME!!! Goodness. I think I need to go and lie down... ;-D Immense. Xxxc

[winnie]

Ha. Too funny.

Love those first pair of heels. Verry verrrry nice!

[Miss Cavendish]

I adore 99.9% of each shoe or boot here. But truly, I'm not taken with the little sole/base--it reminds me too much of a clawed hoof. Perhaps I need to see these on a foot, but I'd prefera slightly less edgy base.

[hammie]

Delicious, delicious delicious!
And you have me with the Mary Janes!
xx

[Nadia]

Be still my beating heart. I LOVE your site.

- nadia

[Make Do Style]

Oh you 80 year old despot - trying to kill us off with your heart stopping exclusive!

[giancinephile]

You always never fail to make me laugh! I really like your sense of humour! haha