Well Shod, Well Imformed

BAILEY YOU INGLORIOUS BASTARD!

BURBERRY

For the past two days the menswear collections have limped down the catwalk/information super highway (kudos Burberry, Prada, Dolce e Gabanna) in what could best be described as a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it type of affair. Not even a near-catastrophic seating malfunction (at Prada) could inject excitement into the comatose beast that is Milan Men’s Fashion Week!

If it wasn’t for tomorrow’s Alexander McQueen show the Despotic Queen could happily snuggle up to a bottle of Advil and wait for Paris. OK! So maybe, just maybe I've already hit the bottle, which is why I'm jumping in two days late...whateva!

Christopher Bailey’s Inglorious Bastards kicked-off MFW with a blistering collection of trench, parade, pea, blanket, double breasted, dress, double breasted chesterfield, utility, cropped military, funnel neck and aviator ‘statement coats / jackets’ that should have had even the most laissez-faire fashion punter groaning in sartorial ecstasy.

While Yum Yum wrings out my damp pantalettes and starts sewing brass button epaulettes onto ALL my sweaters, the Despotic Queen must note my continued frustration with Bailey’s insistence of only ever presenting two shoes per collection.

I’m prepared to overlook the epic haute mess that was Bailey’s shearling lined boots since the Doc Martin inspired lace-up military boots were on-the-money, especially the wood grain outer soles.

DOLCE AND GABANNA 

In stark contrast (to Burberry) Dolce e Gabanna present so many shoes the tips of Imelda’s weave ache.

This season Dominico and Stefano who celebrated their 20^th anniversary of menswear, presented a collection of gusseted round toe workmen boots and square toe lace up dress shoes in greased and distressed leathers – a pleasant juxtaposition to the velvet, heavy knits and thermal jodhpurs. The treated leather, whilst interesting, did feel uninspired with McQueen presenting a variation of this idea last season and YSL two seasons before that.

However, catching HRH’s eye was a deceptively simple round toe cleated sole hiking boot. A promising silhouette that’s been a circling trend for the past 3 seasons, Dolce e Gabanna’s clever application of tire tread (as a trim) should push this into the mainstream…or at the very least, into Imelda’s already full shoe closet.

JIL SANDER 

Raf Simons is a Demi-God. Fact.

BOTTEGA VENETA

Bottega Veneta bought into the teddy boy trend (literally) with a collection of streamlined brothel creepers in patent, croc and polished leathers.

DESPOTS ON THE RUN...

With the arrest of Radovan Karadzic, Imelda’s phone has been running hot all week. All my boys (Robert, George, Fidel) have been phoning in seeking The Despot’s counsel. “What if the Argentineans won’t take us? What will the folks at the country club think if I’m impeached?” blah, blah, blah - it’s always the same questions.

The despotic Queens advise - get good PR representation. Look at Putin, in 8 years he’s managed to turn Russia into a pseudo communist state, clamp down on freedom of the press, obliterate free enterprise (again) and with a flash of his manly barrel chest he can liberate middle aged Muscovite women of their petty pants. That’s good PR.

Only this morning, Kim Jong-ill was whining down the phone, “Imelda I don’t think the women of North Korea want to see me topless’”. “Kim, I don’t think there’s a woman in our solar system that would care to lay her eyes on your dumpling-like body. Man up! Get yourself to the gym and lose those louche cha cha platform heels. What’s that playing in the background? Are you watching High School Musical 2 again???”

I digress. My beloved late husband and I were moderate despots who subscribed to a more moderate train of thought that taught the best way to suppress the will of the people is via crippling your country economically. All this is outlined in my case study ‘Wallstreet: Another drunk slut bound for rehab - how Dubya crippled the United States’, which can be found in chapter 3 of Imelda’s Guide to Good Despoting (which can be purchased from all bookstores of ill repute).

In this, the autumn of my life (and with so much money to spend) Imelda has no time for extremists that tarnish the reputations of other well-behaved despots (and please let’s not get me started on his unpalatable crimes against fashion). Even in exile I was able to maintain my commitment to stomach churning opulence.

Before I have Yum Yum switch off the phones here’s my last piece of advise for despots on the run - you can’t flee from the marauding masses with a suitcase full of jewellery and US government bonds in heels…before you make your exit, invest in a pair of chic flats with good traction and only change into your heels for the photo-op!

This is just a sample of what's currently on offer, there are so many similar looking styles that my eye's started to boggle at the same-sameness of them all.

QUIT LOAFING ABOUT AND GET IMELDA A BEER!

Tomorrow when I wake up and realize that 8 of the 27 shoes I’ve featured in today’s post are flats I’ll be seething! (For the record Imelda doesn’t ‘do’ or ‘advocate’ flats) Last night while watching Shirley Maclain’s Oscar deserving performance in the ‘Battle for Mary-Kay’ Yum Yum and I shared a stubby of beer and a bowl of cabana. We got a little tipsy so I allowed Yum Yum to kick off her 12cm house heels. A quick occupational glance at her trotters and I noticed they were covered in thick ropy veins and her one-size fits all pumps had caused permanent scaring.

I passed her the bowl of cabana and started thinking about penny loafer styling. Psychologically, humans are deeply comforted by knowing that their trotters feel protected. Think about all the times you’ve felt secure and then think about what shoes you were wearing. Chances are it was something snug fitting and granny-esque, like a loafer!

Aside from D&G’s brilliant take on the Patrick Cox Wannabe, it seems a number of other designers have taken inspiration from Nana’s wardrobe. This season it’s loafer-pallooza. I found penny loafers, tassel fronted penny loafers, loafer inspired pumps, kiltie fringed loafers and the list goes on….As for Yum Yum, she’ll just have to make do with the newspaper I stuffed into the toe of her pumps.

Tune in tomorrow, Imelda has some good news and some news that ALL bloggers need to be aware of.