Well Shod, Well Imformed

BAILEY YOU INGLORIOUS BASTARD!

BURBERRY

For the past two days the menswear collections have limped down the catwalk/information super highway (kudos Burberry, Prada, Dolce e Gabanna) in what could best be described as a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it type of affair. Not even a near-catastrophic seating malfunction (at Prada) could inject excitement into the comatose beast that is Milan Men’s Fashion Week!

If it wasn’t for tomorrow’s Alexander McQueen show the Despotic Queen could happily snuggle up to a bottle of Advil and wait for Paris. OK! So maybe, just maybe I've already hit the bottle, which is why I'm jumping in two days late...whateva!

Christopher Bailey’s Inglorious Bastards kicked-off MFW with a blistering collection of trench, parade, pea, blanket, double breasted, dress, double breasted chesterfield, utility, cropped military, funnel neck and aviator ‘statement coats / jackets’ that should have had even the most laissez-faire fashion punter groaning in sartorial ecstasy.

While Yum Yum wrings out my damp pantalettes and starts sewing brass button epaulettes onto ALL my sweaters, the Despotic Queen must note my continued frustration with Bailey’s insistence of only ever presenting two shoes per collection.

I’m prepared to overlook the epic haute mess that was Bailey’s shearling lined boots since the Doc Martin inspired lace-up military boots were on-the-money, especially the wood grain outer soles.

DOLCE AND GABANNA 

In stark contrast (to Burberry) Dolce e Gabanna present so many shoes the tips of Imelda’s weave ache.

This season Dominico and Stefano who celebrated their 20^th anniversary of menswear, presented a collection of gusseted round toe workmen boots and square toe lace up dress shoes in greased and distressed leathers – a pleasant juxtaposition to the velvet, heavy knits and thermal jodhpurs. The treated leather, whilst interesting, did feel uninspired with McQueen presenting a variation of this idea last season and YSL two seasons before that.

However, catching HRH’s eye was a deceptively simple round toe cleated sole hiking boot. A promising silhouette that’s been a circling trend for the past 3 seasons, Dolce e Gabanna’s clever application of tire tread (as a trim) should push this into the mainstream…or at the very least, into Imelda’s already full shoe closet.

JIL SANDER 

Raf Simons is a Demi-God. Fact.

BOTTEGA VENETA

Bottega Veneta bought into the teddy boy trend (literally) with a collection of streamlined brothel creepers in patent, croc and polished leathers.

THE HOTTEST OF THE HAUTE MESSES!

Still deeply traumatized by the horror of the great Vuitton massacre, I knew last night, once I’d finished watching the Blossom marathon, slumber would be beyond my reach.

Digging through the medicine chest (and by ‘chest’ I mean an ‘ahoy me matey’ Pirates of the Caribbean sized ‘chest’…) I discovered an empty vile of Propofol, shaking it like a frazzled Au Pair, I hoped to dislodge a single sweet drop of ‘sleep juice’…but nothing.

Desperate for a dreamless sleep I decided to mix myself a ‘DJ AM’ cocktail, it wouldn’t erase the memories but it would dull the pain. Sure enough, I was out for the count in record time.

But this morning as my drug induced fog lifted I could hear a shallow scratching noise. Fuck it I thought, I should never have dropped acid with LB and Lady Bird (Johnson), 40 years on and I still can’t shake the flash backs.

The scratching slowly grew into a thumping and then I remembered…Yum Yum!

Bored with the slop served up during Milan Fashion Week we resumed our game of Anne Frank 2.0 BETA. As the name of the game suggests, Yum Yum hides in the crawl space for as long as humanly possible while Imelda combs the walls of the Palace of Despotism with a sonic radar – think ‘hide n’ seek’ but with much dire consequences.

Her previous PB was 3 days and she could have gone longer had the game not been compromised by Imelda’s emergency plant-o-wart biopsy.

Shoot!

Leona (Hemsley) once told me, when she played Anne Frank with her servants, if the game went longer than a week she’d have to cajole the help back into reality by promising a pay rise. Pah! That woman was meaner than cat shit, and besides, as an illegal immigrant Accountant can’t claim a payroll tax deduction on Yum Yum’s already generous $2.42 a day salary.

Unlocking the crawl space I threw a handful of kibble into the darkness.

*Munch.munch.munch*

Finally, Yum Yum’s head darted out; blinking like a newborn marsupial she opened her eyes. To the casual onlooker she resembled an anorexic Candy Spelling voodoo doll, all buggin’ eyes and brittle hair. A little underfed (I’m hoping she can keep up the thinspiration) and covered in what looked like rickets it was still my l’il squirt kitty.

Anyhoo, the reason I mention this is today I’d planned to get all Jeffery Dahmer on Marc Jacobs, but after eight days in the crawl space Yum Yum needs a 'full Silkwood' and then my bunions need sculpting. So there’s been a change of plan.

We’re having a snap poll. Below you’ll find Imelda’s Top 10 fashion week footwear horrors.

Normally I wouldn’t come out swinging with a poll (after all this is an Imelda-cracy not a democracy) but S/S 10 was such a haute mess, I need help sortin’ the ‘gruesome’ from the ‘diabolical’…now get votin’

UPDATED

Polling has closed. 

With 56% of the total vote, Louis Vuitton has taken out the dubious honour of being the 'hottest of the haute S/S 10 messes'. Anyone surprised?

Online Surveys & Market Research

DOLCE AND GARBAGE

How did I miss the memo announcing Dolce and Gabbana were collaborating with Payless?

Did anyone receive it?

No. Then Imelda asks (nah, screams from the highest mountain), how can this clearance bin slop be called luxury footwear?

SERIOUSLY! My eyes bleed.

DOUBLE DENIM

Sony 380 DSRL Series

Dolce and Gabbana, denim loafers

THE DRIVING TRENDS

It’s day two in Milan and Imelda says (aside from the bare feet) the key trend emerging from the Milanese catwalks has been the driving mocc. Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana and Jil Sander (of sorts), have all embraced a more relaxed, dolce vita approach to footwear. 

Coming a close second is the ‘Grandpa’ sandal, seen first at Undercover. 

UPADTED - Neil Barrett