Well Shod, Well Imformed

TRAFFIC ISN’T THE ONLY INFURIATING TREND IN MILAN

After the Despotic Queen’s flat-shoe induced fainting spell (we’ll ignore Imelda’s suicidal dramatics and recode it a ‘fainting spell’) Yum Yum would normally lather Imelda’s bunions in chicken fat and massage away my shattered nerves. Unfortunately this past weekend Sydney hosted the annual Gay and Les-bean Mardi Gras and Imelda felt that there were already enough deviants on the run that the good Lord might smite Sydney off the face of the earth if I allowed Yum Yum’s chicklet teeth near my trotters (of tyranny).

Instead I snuggled up on the chaise and watched Pier Paolo Pasolini’s rom-com masterpiece, Salo.

Pasolini’s film never fails to chase the black dog away and this morning I bounced rather than slithered from the crypt. I’m feeling refreshed and ready to head back and take a looksee at the last day of Milan Fashion Weak, where I note the disappointing footwear is flowing down the catwalk a lot faster than Milanese traffic.

Is Imelda the only one who finds it ironic that for a country famed for its mad footwear manufacturing skillz that Milan Fashion Week (save for Prada) is where innovation goes to die?

Of course Imelda predicted there’d be a shift away from the crippling stits of seasons past, yet what I failed to note was how safe designers would play it.

Aside from the Palladium styled platforms with gum sole toe caps at Fendi and the distorted proportions of Marni’s open waisted mary janes and pumps Milan was a cluster fuck of heinous and recycled trends. SRSLY, Versace and Pucci (below) –can you spot the difference?

FENDI

MARNI

But this being a major fashion week, Imelda must identify a trend – otherwise how else will those bug-eyed mid-market knock-off merchants know what to race into production – and ugly, whilst a satisfactory generalization of the footwear at MFW, isn’t a trend per se.

The two key silhouettes which stand out are the ankle strapped pump and the open back mule. While thigh-high hooker boots dominated boot trends with 95% of houses sending multiple options down the catwalk.

JOHN RICHMOND

GUCCI

FRAME-BY-FRAME

If your ears (and sanity) can withstand the soulless beat (of the dubbed muzac) and looped whisper “faaaashiooontiiimes”, then here’s a selection of videos from day three of Milan Fashion Week including, Gucci, Versace, John Richmond, Enrico Coveri and Byblos…’member, Imelda did warn you.

For more 'Faaaashiooon Tiiimes video see HERE

UPDATED

ALEXANDER MCQUEEN

SUMMERTIME BOOTAY

Not entirely appropriate for the rugged antipodean summer, boots have been stomping down the catwalk for the past two days and Imelda takes a closer look.

Christopher Bailey kicked off the trend at Burberry with his covetous washed leather vintage style Chelsea boots in taupe, chestnut and black. However, it struck the Despotic Queen as most peculiar that Bailey decided to drop his eggs in the proverbial basket and present only ONE statement shoe. Hoping to get to the bottom, I’ve posed the question to the good folks at Burberry and we’ll need to allow for the time difference before we receive their response.

I shouldn’t allow the news of the Converse collaboration to overshadow Missoni’s stunning collection of romantic separates. The Missoni boots had a relaxed slouchy feel due in part to the folded down shaft. Without a clear, detailed shot it is hard to make a call on the leather but it appears to be treated (perhaps washed) and the dreamy muted colour palate make these a firm favourite with the House of Despotism.

John Richmond’s collection was as schitzed as a strung out rockstar. Normally the giver of good shoe, Richmond presented two boots. The first seemed vaguely similar to boots from his A/W 08/09 collection while the second option was a laceless (seen across the entire Richmond collection) almond toe dress boot.

Vivienne Westwood, but it's the eye patch that I'm really predicting will be the 'break out trend'.

Costume National Homme

SPATS A WRAP FROM MILAN

DOLCE AND GABBANA

“Helga, I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at the dirt”, with that one line Faye Dunaway immortalized the wicked campness that was Ms Joan Crawford. Not only an Academy Award winning actress, Joan defined the ideal of the modern woman. She dragged herself up from the gutter, burned brighter than any actress before her and then crashed in a blaze of men, pills, booze and the campest mother/daughter smack-down ever known to mankind – some people are just born lucky.

At some point in time Joan’s sartorial fuse shorted and like those suburban women who refuse to acknowledge the perm is dead, Joan got trapped in a shoulder pad time warp. Of course in today’s celebrity obsessed world, wearing the same look for more than 4 paparazzi opportunities would be career suicide, but times they were a different. On more than one occasion Joan herself acknowledged the ‘pads’ but she stayed on course and wore her structured Andrews Sister’s shoulder to the day she died.

So as the modern day kings of camp, it was only a matter of time before Dolce and Gabbana devoted a season to the epic shoulders of Ms Crawford. But not content with one iconic shoulder, Domenico and Stefano cranked the camp-o-meter up to 11 and threw a butterfly sleeve into the mix. Of course those Imeldette’s who belong to the order of Imelda know that there is only ONE international beauty famed for wearing the ‘butterfly sleeve’ and that’s…iMElda!

Had you tuned into our live blog (Despotic Frocks Take on Dolce and Gabbana) you would have heard my petty pants juice up when, about a minute into the show, Frockwriter called the ‘butterfly sleeve’. Imelda’s normally at the centre of a criminal investigation, not a fashion trend, but as sure as I am that I’m still the First Lady of greed, right there before my cataract eyes, on the catwalks of Milan, my gloriously ostentatious (and under appreciated) papillon sleeve. I DIED!

I’m not certain but I think this might be the turning point for Imelda. Next time I’m hauled before the Presidential Commission for Good Governance (or the UN) I’ll flash a leopard print card that reads ‘Official Muse to Dolce and Gabbana’ and let’s see those watchdogs back-the-fuck-down…top that shiz María Corazón Cojuangco-Aquino.

The happy times they keep rolling…still working off the 40’s silhouette, Dolce and Gabbana presented a collection of platform suede wedges. Imelda’s favourite style (third image from the top) was the Picasso inspired wedge. Nearly every wedge was embellished or trimmed with an inlay or ruffle. 

POLLINI

I don’t know if Twitter fell off the radar or Pollini has. The brand was scheduled to show at 6pm last night and there was a deafening silence from those on the ground until 7pm when the Versace show started. I doubled checked this morning and there were only a dozen tweets (half of them from Imelda) from the show.

Nicholas Kirkwood aka The Beloved presented his second collection as Pollini’s Creative Director of Accessories. Imelda’s not sure if it’s a reaction to the GEC (yawn) or the brief was to play it tight but in a measured move Kirkwood presented only two styles.

Kirkwood kept his eye on the brand’s more conservative clients and presented a polished leather ¾ length ankle boot with a lush suede shaft.

Last season of Pollini I said, “Missing from this sea of beautifully constructed shoes was the ‘Kirkwood chutzpa’. That little ‘sumet-sumet’ that forces you to sit back in your chair and go ‘wooooow’.

Who knows what influence the Despot Queen has on The Beloved, but with his hand painted baroque feature heel Kirkwood injected some back into Milan. 

FENDI

Clearly it was all about the spat at Fendi…when it should be all about the Kaisers two-toned heels. Voted most likely to be knocked off in one of Imleda’s sweatshops this beautiful stacked heel is the feature you have when you can’t afford a Dior ‘fertility goddess heel’. An honorable mention to the Kaiser for his use of pony.

VERSACE

As Versace closed season the question on everyone’s (and by everyone I mean The Times) lips wasn’t will the brand roll out another stunning collection, it was “Where did Donatella get her fab bod from?”

Well like derr…in the same Thai clinic where Imelda had her ass lifted (and Anna had her lips done)…naturally.

A number of Imeldette’s have already praised Versace for delivering such a wearable collection and wearable wasn’t what I was expecting. I won’t lie, I was disappointed, but underneath that brittle hair and leathery skin is a shrewd business operator and she’s got one eye on the future.

The most notable trend was the cowboy boot gusseting and the Louboutin-esque pumps with python trimmed platforms.

JOHN RICHMOND

ONWARDS AND UP

Does Yum Yum really think she can pull a Nealy O’Hara on Imelda! No, no, I won’t be upstaged, not in Paris! Her ‘special guest’ appearance has been cut short! It’s the cargo hold for this Asian Heather Locklear.

Paris hasn’t kicked off well, so I thought we should review the week that wasn’t….ladies and gentleman…MILAN SS09…so close you can smell the leather!!!!